JeremyOswald.com

So Dancing with the Stars is off to one helluva third season. Already in the third week of the third season, or sixth show of the third season since it’s on twice a week, we’re seeing some extremely weak television. Luckily Unfortunately I missed week two because Comcast is an Asshole. Four quick issues with Dancing With the Stars:

First, I disagree with ABC’s choice to cast Tom Bergeron as the host. The same Tom Bergeron that hosts America’s Funniest Videos, or “AFV” as their hip name reads. I’m pretty sure I’ve not seen one funny home video on that show. A piano falls out of someone’s truck and breaks. Not funny. A mother with braces is lying on the ground having her child rub its sock covered foot over her mouth and it gets caught on one of the braces. Not funny, and more than that not entirely unexpected when you combine socks and braces. But socks and braces were funny enough to win $10,000. Good job America.

Second, Tom keeps referring to the “stage” as a “ballroom.” This season the “ballroom” even has chandeliers, and for that Tom is sure to thank the Phantom of the Opera road crew for leaving their van doors unlocked. I think ABC just recycled the writers from “AFV” for his quirky quips on “DWTSIII.” The “ballroom” is elevated, illuminated by a thousand spotlights with a full band at the rear and 500 people surrounding it, watching what happens. Just call it a stage.

Third, I cannot decide if the hostess Samantha Harris is hot. Her annoyingness detracts from the hotness she may or may not possess. I’ve known a few women like that before, but even they were less annoying because they weren’t on my television.

Fourth, the judges are full of themselves, and take their roles entirely too seriously. This week, they scolded some of the contestants for not “playing by the rules.” Each judge seemed seriously offended and marked each of the contestants down considerably, even though the dances were clearly difficult and crowd favorites. But the judges are just trying to keep the “integrity” of this shitfest, because we all know that America watches this show purely out of their collective desire to watch a serious ballroom dancing competition judged wholly by the specific steps, techniques, timing and official dance definitions. America does not tune in week after week to mindlessly watch B-list stars twirl around to loud music, and possibly watch one of them fall flat on their face. And certainly America doesn’t tune in to watch the reaction of people who seemingly have everything be rejected by 20 million people they thought were their fans.

The collection of “Stars” this year is an amalgamation of mediocrity, but better than past seasons. I don’t know the one who calls herself Monique, but excluding her, I must say, each season I think they’re getting more popular famous “stars”. This season features Joey Lawrence, Sara Evans, Monique Coleman, Emmitt Smith, Willa Ford, Mario Lopez, Vivica A. Fox, Jerry Springer, Tucker Carlson, Shanna Moakler and Harry Hamlin.

Joey Lawrence

Whoah! Joey Lawrence looks really terrible. He’s bald and has veins running through his head. He actually dances really well, and I let the DVR play his dances in their entirety, but only because his professional dance partner, Edyta, is number one or two in terms of hotness this season.

Sara Evans

When Sara Evans was 10 years old, 35 years ago, she broke both of her legs when she was hit by a car. She can’t believe she’s in a dance competition and feels so blessed. Isn’t that special? She looks like she still can’t bend her legs. I don’t see her making it to the finals, unless she relies on the good country girl image she’s been playing up.

Monique Coleman

Again, I don’t know who Monique is, but this week she is the frontrunner.

Emmitt Smith

Emmitt Smith is paired with last year’s winner, Cheryl Burke. Last time I saw Emmitt Smith we were on a little plane from Virginia to Dallas. I left him alone. The time before that, I found myself standing in front of him in a shopping mall apologizing for my antics the previous night. The time before that, I talked his ear off about everything except for football, shook his hand 25 times, slapped him on the back with every dumb joke I made and took him to see a hot bartender in some bar on the Olympic Port in Spain. Then I imitated him on Spain’s answer to Jay Leno to a mildly impressed crowd of heavily inebriated Spaniards. Emmitt has performed well in the first couple of weeks. This week however, he seemed a little stiff. He still has a good shot of going far in this season. Because he didn’t kick my ass or have me escorted out of Spain, I’m rooting for his success.

Willa Ford

I remember she had that one popular song “I Wanna Be Bad.” When that song came out, I thought she was attractive. I’ve sort of changed my mind. However, given that Chuck Liddell was rooting for Willa at last night’s show, and he tends to spend some time in Fresno, I think I’ll refrain from any further comments, just in case of a random stroke of bad luck, where Chuck stumbles across this site and becomes my fourth and most angry reader.

Mario Lopez

Dancing With the Stars refers to Mario Lopez as an actor and “host”. I guess he claims host because of “The Other Half”, where he talked about guy stuff with one of the New Kids and Danny Bonaducci. I’m surprised that show didn’t make it. I believe that Mario is screwing his partner. In the first episode, he engaged in heavy flirting, and now there seems to be a lot of touching. With their mouths. He dances well and the audience really seems to love him. I don’t think they’d love him if he cut in front of them like he did me in the Burbank airport like he’s hot shit on a glass plate.

Vivica A. Fox

Vivica A. Fox does pretty well, but I don’t think she’s really a “diva” as the female judge implies. Plus her wardrobe choices don’t suit her well. They should put her out there in leotards or something. Hell, a clown suit would be more amusing.

Jerry Springer

Jerry Springer is terrible and barely moves. The nice thing is he knows this. People love Jerry and he’s announced that he wants to make it far enough in the competition to learn the Waltz for his daughter’s upcoming nuptials. I’m personally pulling for him because of his dance partner Kym Johnson, who is competing for my vote for hottest girl on the show, against Joey’s Edyta Sliwinska.

And now to the first three voted off:

Week 1:

Tucker Carlson sucked. He was gone after the first episode. My guess is that most people who watch Dancing With the Stars don’t watch the news. Well, maybe FOX News.

Week 2:

How does Shanna Moakler get “Shayna” out of “Shanna”? And why did Travis Barker marry that? He’s not attractive, but I think many of his groupies would’ve been more attractive and probably had more to offer intelligence wise. She referred to herself as a beauty queen more than once prior to being voted off and discussed her divorce every chance she got. Her partner looked like George Takata from channel 47 in Fresno. If you attended Clovis West High School about 15 years ago, you may remember him as George Smith. Takata is just his kickass stage name.

This Week:

Harry Hamlin dances a tearful goodbye. I exhaled a huge sigh of relief that Jerry, or more precisely, Kym Johnson, stick around to see another week full of more humorous comments from Tom, some great interviews by Samantha and arrogant judges who have no right being this famous.