JeremyOswald.com

A week ago today I headed to Paso Robles with my family, add Deidra, add Short on Saturday and subtract Jonathan Oswald. Angie couldn’t make it because she took another vacation to Illinois. Short hired the homeless guy from my alley to dog sit. We headed to Paso because Justin Winery was having their member appreciation day so we made a weekend out of it. We took my brother’s new ride, a white Toyota 4Runner. I call it his new found balls, since it’s got a V8, which makes it okay to speed and pass everyone. We left Fresno around 2 p.m. on Friday and arrived at our first winery about an hour and a half later. We sampled the wine at Laura’s Vineyard. My father bought a bottle of White Zinfandel. No kidding. We also hit Robert Hall, Eberle but only for one sample since the staff is unable to pour and sell wine at the same time, and Martin & Weyrich Vineyards. I kept wanting to call that place Brad Weirich Vineyards, a guy who attended Goshen College and played frisbee football to the point of obsession. He was older than me, but he was still there after I moved back to Fresno, and from what I hear, some time afterward. I don’t think he’s a very good winemaker, but I haven’t seen him in years, so who knows.

We checked into our hotel, then headed to downtown for more wine tasting at Silverstone. The owner grew up in the same small town my mother did. Whoever is pouring wine for Silverstone becomes aware of that fact each time we taste there. Come to think of it, Brad Wierich may have been from the Archbold, Ohio area too. Josh got the wine pourer’s digits, and we headed to Bistro Laurent.

We used to go to Panolivo, but word on the Paso street is that it’s no longer open for dinner after getting beat down by Artisan, just across the street. Plus, we’ve had Bistro Laurent before, and it’s a step up. Think Denny’s:Red Robin :: Panolivo:Bistro Laurent. Bistro Laurent was very nice and we picked a couple of bottles to go with dinner from their wine cellar. For dinner I had the cripsy crab risotto, which was, if I recall, a crab risotto cake, surrounded by prawns in some sort of sauce. Everything was great. I went back to the hotel and immediately went to bed while my younger brother and younger girlfriend stayed up to have a few more drinks out by the pool. Last year we took the same trip with Josh’s old roommate Jane, who found it amazing that the girl staying a few rooms over had eyebrows tattooed on her face, and asked her about said eyebrows. Jane also asked my brother if he knew when Sublime would be putting out their next album. She was serious about both questions which probably sort of explains why she is one of the only people who can ask someone about their clearly tattooed eyebrows without getting a beating.

The next morning Short came to meet us and we all headed to Denner for some great wine. We decided to hit it first, since every other time any of us had tried Denner, it had been one of the last wineries. We all wanted to taste it sober with a clean palate. Short always thinks we’re saying “dinner,” probably because he says “dinner” and “denner” the same way. He was really excited that the first thing we were doing that day was eating denner. He also says other things weird too, but I don’t want to break the Internets by trying to list them all. Denner was closed.

So we headed to Adelaida. Along the way we passed a small, old cemetery and someone in our ride asked if there were any Mennonites buried there. That was funny because we’d all seen another old cemetery, also among the hills in the Paso Robles wine country, that I think is the oldest cemetery in Paso Robles, and it is full of Mennonites. I really wish I could go back in time to last year and see what Jane said when we pulled over to show her a tiny cemetery full of Mennonites. The old Mennonite one is not a big cemetery and most people would drive right by it without noticing, unlike the one I used to play in growing up. That was a big cemetery, but the problem with that one is that it had an old, run-down, locked-up church that was used to kill babies. Swear.

Adelaida wine was great, but mom and Deidra didn’t partake. Mom because it only takes her a glass of wine to get really happy, and Deidra because she drank too much firewater the day and night before. Short bought some wine and tipped the wine pourer. I didn’t know that was standard. If so, I’ve been a real asshole. If not, let’s not start a trend.

Rather than go to Justin, we headed back to Denner, where they gained several new club members, then we moved on to Villa Creek, a winery between Denner and Justin that was run by the owners of Villa Creek restaurant in downtown. One of the owners was pouring our wine. Short loved the wine.

Finally, on to Justin, where we ate food and drank a lot more wine. Here is Short holding his penis and explaining to my father how grapes are grown.

This year was better than last, entirely due to the fact that they had food, and plenty of it. Last year it was rumored that there was food, but I certainly didn’t have any. This year there was a buffet, the wood-fired pizza oven was cranking out tortilla pizzas and there were cheeses paired with a lot of the wines. My favorite part of the Justin Wine Society event was the Isosceles Room, where they were serving unlimited Isosceles Reserve. They also had some empty display areas in the cave, so we posed as mannequins. Here is my mother being a mannequin that was turned to stone.

Here is Short after he farted in his wine glass.

This is just a candid shot of me.

My father had the hardest time with this task and kept wanting to look at the camera and seemed not entirely sure what he was doing and why he was doing it.

We finally left Justin, and headed back to the hotel where everyone took a nap.

People who know me, understand that “hungover Jeremy” is not a fun traveling mate. You’re stuck with him in a car for a long time and he rambles about mostly dumb things and makes mostly dumb comments. Short and Josh have dealt with this for well over a decade. Deidra is still learning to appreciate hungover Jeremy, and if traveling in a car is bad, at least a car trip has a beginning and an end. Sharing a hotel with hungover Jeremy, who makes an appearance in the afternoon after being hungover from winetasting events earlier in the day is even worse. There is no escaping. Subsequently, I got this a lot.

Josh and I were hilarious entertainment for everyone again. Here’s me taking a picture of him taking a picture of me taking a picture of him…LOL!!!

We had dinner at a little Mexican place that we’d been to last year. After dinner we hung out by the pool so my dad could smoke a cigar, and we all had beers to put something other than wine in our bodies. We were mellow. There was another group at the pool that was very loud, and the manager had to come out repeatedly to tell them to quiet down. Once he brought a toilet plunger with him as a show of force. My mom was texting her friends, so Short and I took this picture and sent it to them.

One of mom’s friends wrote back to tell us that her 11 year old does the same thing. That sounds about right.

Sunday we were home by noon, I was at Taco Bell by noon-thirty.